Follow my tweets on Twitter!

Behind the Scenes: Dragonfist Debuts to Hundreds in Des Moines, Iowa

Watch the film on YouTube | Watch the Outtakes on YouTube

Last night, a documentary about my film, Dragonfist debuted at the Fleur Cinema in Des Moines, Iowa. Although I was told that the film would be a serious look into my art, I was instead ceaselessly mocked throughout the film. In addition, I was swindled out of every penny this movie made. Therefore I was forced to sell Dragonfist t-shirts to regain my wealth. (Those will be available for online purchase soon, by the way!) The documentary itself was received well, and I can only assume that this was due to the incredible footage from Dragonfist itself featured in the film.

Fallon Refuses Truce, Lies About the Size of His Manhood

This week, I offer you an update on the war between Fallon and I. As you may notice, Edward Fallon is a tricky bastard. Trickier than he looks. One week the man may completely wuss out and invite me to have a drink at his old man bar, and the next he'll be giving a talk to a crowd of people, claiming his penis is the size of a young foal. Seeing as I am currently in the hospital, Walter has recorded this week's podcast with his stupid voice.

LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S PODCAST

The Beard of Nature Is Owned by Me: An Interview with Seth Sniggins

Nature is a hot topic these days. And anyone who knows me knows that I love the fuck out of it. That's right: I love the fuck out of nature. This week I interview a tree hugging embecile to see who loves nature more.

LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S PODCAST

Edward Fallon Wusses Out on the Air

Why is it that liberals cannot stand to be confronted about the propaganda they spout? I cordially engaged Edward Fallon on his joke of a show, The Fallon Forum, and brought to his attention the dangers of promoting the upcoming hippie carnival called "The Really, Really Free Market." Yes, that title is a joke aimed right at America's balls. I went on the air to defend those precious orbs and was met with mockery, cowardice, and being hung up on. Fallon is a felon! Listen to the podcast for the full story.

LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S PODCAST

What's the Deal with Lost, Anyway?

I analyze every single character on this mixed bag of a show and give you my predictions on the finale while inhaling whiskey from a massive keg. CLICK HERE TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN!

From the Mouth of a Moonbat: My Interview with Gregory Cockburn

On this week's show, I interview a torture-protesting dolt named Gregory Cockburn. The conversation is intense, but I utterly destroy him.

LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S PODCAST

Street Protests: The Neanderthal's Form of Communication

LISTEN TO THIS WEEK'S PODCAST

Now I am sure that many of you are aware that my radio programs in both England and Australia were cancelled due to baseless allegations of bigotry and racism. Well, over the past year I have been adjusting to life in America, which is the most glorious nation I have ever set foot in…aside from a few significant grievances.

Another week has passed and again the streets of Des Moines are still littered with one of my biggest pet peeves: protestors. Whether it is Fred Phelps with his “God Hates Fags” signs or the unnamed group of so-called “Christian activists” who whine about torture every week, nothing ruins a beautiful summer day more than an idiot on the street with a sign.

I will address these two examples specifically, as they have been a particularly foul stain on the pregnant lawns of Des Moines this year. Even though    God obviously prefers heterosexuals, the Westboro Baptist Church is clearly a seething barrel of hoarse vomit, and any sane Christian would be ashamed to associate with them. Likewise, the anti-torture hippies hold signs that read, “USA: Torturing Our Way to World Peace.” Their signs may as well say, “God Hates America”, a slogan which - I think we can all agree - is equally despicable.

I do not often think it fitting to don the robes of the Almighty, but I must admit that I sometimes entertain a personal fantasy of divine justice. Suppose Fred Phelps and his followers unwittingly stumble onto the same corner as the spineless, soldier-hating torture whack-jobs. Soon enough Mr. Phelps, throbbing with rage, will have pummeled the flamingly homosexual peace-lovers into the pit of hell. Then, unable to control the fiery vortex he has just created, he himself will be swallowed into hell’s bowels, stirred into a locust-manure curry, and then sprayed into Satan’s gaping anus for his own damnable arousal.

Of course, this is by some standards a mildly aggressive fantasy, but it is one that I keep under control. After all, everyone has angry thoughts. My dog bites me, and I want to defecate in his food bowl. But I don’t. My son tells me that I am a witless hack and I want to defecate in his lunchbox. But I don’t. I may be tempted by the devil to hand Fred Phelps a loaded, fully- automatic weapon and the location of the terrorist-sympathizers, yes. But I do not then stand on the street corner like a lunatic, holding a sign that reads, “Fred Phelps: God’s Solution to Fairy-Kissing Anti-Patriots and the Prime Ingredient to Lucifer’s Miracle Hemorrhoid Curry.” To do so would just be silly.

You see, despite the anger boiling inside of me, I am a true Christian. And as a Christian I must demonstrate God’s true love to these debilitatingly naïve man-children. Pastor Rob Bell articulates this well in the first video of his popular Nooma series, appropriately titled “Bullhorn Guy.” Is yelling and name-calling and moaning about torture really the best way to show the world Christ’s love?

Even when Jesus was throwing tables around and calling the Pharisees a “brood of vipers” I have to imagine he did it with a wink and a smile. Cabbage-humping liberals will of course take these passages at face value, but if we look at them in the context of Jesus’ conservative upbringing, we will of course realize that Jesus likely turned to these people afterward and said, “I was only kidding, guys. Sometimes I just get angry and need to satirize the nutjobs who will show up in America a few years down the road. Yes, I can see the future. I’m Jesus.”

Christ knew who the good guys were, and even when he was being tortured by the Romans, did Jesus tell his disciples to hold up signs that said, “Stop All the Torture”? Of course not. It was God’s will that Jesus be crucified to deliver his people, just as it is God’s will that the terrorists pay the consequences for sinning against God’s chosen nation. Denying he knew Jesus may have been a bad choice for Peter, but surely it would have been a far worse choice for him to begin yelling wildly, “Shut down Golgotha!” Had he done that, just think how many more Neanderthals there would be roaming the streets! There may not even be sidewalks to stand on with all the hippie-communist, fruit-winkling orgies going on in broad daylight.

Liberals will undoubtedly point to slavery and racism against blacks as a case in which civil disobedience and protests were effective in putting an end to what was obviously an evil system of oppression. But this is utter goat bollocks. Any rational Bible scholar will tell you that God prefers his people to simply remain silent on political matters. As the apostle Paul stated, governments are chosen by God. He disobeyed them, yes, but he did so to spread the Gospel (which may be similar to thwarting gay marriage, but completely divorced from defending terrorists). Another distinct difference is that he had a direct line to God, unlike the child-fondling protestors. The law-breaking people we have grown up being taught are activist heroes did not. They acted without God, driven merely by humanitarian motives, making their actions highly questionable.

For instance, did Rosa Parks really need to refuse to sit in the legally designated area of a bus in order to make her point? Or was she actually being slaverously self-serving? Of course she was. She could have just as easily voted for a presidential candidate who favored busses with more seats. Did Martin Luther King, Jr. need to march against racially selective businesses in Birmingham? Most certainly not. Clearly if there is an unnecessary extreme available amidst a universe of alternatives, these zoophiles will pick it, as they are clearly uneducated in properly handling simple multiple-choice questions. After all, I am sure many other businesses elsewhere would have been willing to employ Mr. King; in America, sir, you have options! Perhaps if he had chosen a legal one then even more African-Americans would have jobs today. After all, you catch more flies with honey.

This is the reason that we have democracy in America. So that we don’t have to whine like infants when we don’t get our way. Instead of beating our chests and grunting through megaphones like apes, we can sit down and have coffee at one of many upstanding establishments, like McDonald’s (who now produce a delightful and piquant triple-cowfat frappamochaccino), to discuss our concerns. Instead of waving flags that childishly mock corporate lobbyists who are only defending products most Americans love, we can write letters to our representatives and ask them to change things. Bullhorn guys, you’re activists, right? So just act like adults. Is that too much to ask for?

Police: Please Keep Our Sidewalks Free of Terrorism

Des Moines police officers, as an act of courtesy, I feel required to inform you that the sidewalk is no longer public property. I have it on good authority from not just one, but three Valley West Mall security guards. It is only in the year 2010 that we can find mall security guards better educated than our own police officers, and it is as a result that we find tragic scenes in West Des Moines like the one occupying a street corner last Saturday.

It began optimistically enough. After a horrendously frigid blast of cold winds the prior weekend, clouds had finally parted in the Iowa sky, making way for the return of that beloved shimmering ball of warmth most commonly known as the sun. But no sooner had sunbeams wreathed the mall in radiant glory than the dark cloud of free speech reared its ugly head, invading the otherwise blessed day of the faithful mall security officers.

Two of the guards – Timothy and Brutus – were completing their routine tasks of precautionary intimidation that afternoon when an urgent transmission crackled through their radios. It was their co-worker Jonathan, and his voice was filled with what they later described as, "uncharacteristic nervous excitement." It seems that while inspecting the parking ineptitude of several guests, he had stumbled upon a misuse of the First Amendment at the intersection of University Avenue and Valley West Drive.

The protesters – well intentioned as they may have been – arrived to cause an unpleasant distraction on what would otherwise have been an excellent day for shopping. One man wearing a black cloth around his face, waved a sign carrying the tired and dreary slogan, "Shut Down Guantanamo!" The other came dressed in an orange jumpsuit and black hood, creating an alarming sight for casual drivers. His incomprehensible sign, painted to resemble an American flag, read, "Don't worry! We'll tell you what to confess!" This was most likely a reference to detainees who have lied to US authorities, even under pressure of torture.

Having hours of training under his belt, Jonathan immediately recognized these messages as dangerous for a number of reasons. Not only did they detract from the customer appeal of Valley West Mall's titular sign, but they also encouraged drivers to sympathize with terrorists. Thankfully, he and his fellow guards were prepared to correct this disturbance.

The vigil had lasted not more than ten minutes before Jonathan had rounded up his fellow guards and fervently marched across the lawn toward the self-described Christian activists. "You guys know that this is private property, don't you?" he asked. "No," one of the left-wing communists responded. "The sidewalk is not private property, this is public property." "You're wrong," Jonathan informed his adversary. "You are not allowed to be on mall property without permission." The liberal anarchists appeared to be baffled, as if this was a foreign concept. "Where do you get permission?" they asked. "I don't know," Jonathan sarcastically responded. "You guys have to leave or we're going to call the police and have you arrested." "That's fine," the belligerent moonbat disrespectfully replied. "Alright, we'll just wait here until the police arrive," Jonathan grumbled, stepping aside.

Following this conversation, the overtly homosexual hippie nutjobs began an hour of supposed "public service announcements" using a megaphone they had been silently carrying. "Valley West Mall has done the unprecedented and purchased public property as their own private property," they announced to passing drivers. "If you would like to walk on this lovely sidewalk one last time, we suggest that you exit your vehicles immediately and join us. Why? Because within minutes, this walkway will be patrolled by police and you will no longer be able to use it."

The assertion that the police would arrive "within minutes" was, however, incorrect. Instead, the security guards were forced to endure this nonsensical mockery for nearly an hour before the police finally strolled into the parking lot. During this time, the activists' amplified statements elicited a number of varied responses. One young woman parked her car and walked up to the protesters, offering hugs as a show of support. In contrast, a young gentleman offered his constructive critique to the jobless cowards while speedily passing in his car. "Fuck you guys! I love America! You guys need to go to hell!" A couple pushing their child in a stroller offered encouragement. "It's bullshit what they're doing to you guys," the father said. "Stay strong!" As the two disappeared into the distance, the ignorant blasphemers shouted worriedly after them on the megaphone. "Does that baby have a permit to be on this sidewalk? You had better move quickly before you're arrested!"

Now observing the unintended consequences of his noble actions, Jonathan sought to redirect the unwieldy protestors' remarks back to their initial cause. "Don't you guys want to hold up your signs so that you can get your message out to as many people as possible before the police get here?" But the witless freedom-haters did not relent, instead ironically pointing out via megaphone that, "our friendly Valley West Mall security guards have decided to protect your ears from dangerous opinions" about Guantanamo. "We are calling for an end to torture here, there and everywhere across the globe – torture against anyone for any reason!"

When a police officer finally arrived on the scene, he did very little to stop this unpatriotic nonsense. After consulting with the team of security guards about what was happening, he informed them that there was nothing he could do unless the activists stepped onto the grass. Clearly understudied in property law, the officer then told the weed-addicted puppy-killers – to their juvenile delight – that they were actually correct in their belief that the sidewalk outside the mall was public property.

The vigil then continued for another thirty minutes as the protesters arranged for a friend to move their cars into the Target parking lot across the street in order to avoid being arrested for their crime. As they left, the protesters were overheard discussing plans for yet another disturbance of peace next weekend at the very same location, around 2:00 pm.

This scene, Des Moines police, is why I must ask you to inspect the law again, as it seems you are not as knowledgeable as our abused mall security guards. But if you shake your heads dismissively in response to my plea, then consider this question: is this the sort of Iowa you want to live in? A place where ordinary men are allowed to spout their opinions to the public in front of the very mall hardworking businessmen paid to erect? A place where tactless buffoons are allowed to remind us of every little thing our tax money is funding? A place where increasing numbers of pacifist-Nazi-smurf-supporters in horrifying orange jumpsuits are allowed to frighten children and local mall-goers? Free speech is all fine and good, but certainly it is not to be valued over paid speech, and the mall is an arena belonging to those who paid for it. Our mall security guards know that, and you should too.

(This is a true story. The names of the security guards have been changed for their own protection. The names of the dumbshit fuck-tards that plotted the protest are still unknown.)

MORE >>